Surprises aren't always bad...

I never imagined that someone even could love me as much as you do, much less, that they would. I never thought that I wouldn't be too much for someone. I never thought I would ever feel so loved and adored. Not only do you put up with all of my weirdness and quirks and such, but you like them. You think they're cute and funny. I never thought that being with someone could be so effortless, so right, but then you came along and everything was just.... right. Even from the beginning, it always just felt right, like we just belonged together. It was like I finally found where I was meant to be. I still had and do have a lot of things to figure out for my life, but as soon as I looked in your eyes, I knew that I had figured this part out. I knew that you were it; you are my home, my safe place, my hideaway. No one has ever made me feel so safe but so free. You lit up my whole life. You made and continue to make everything brighter and bolder. You never fail to make me smile and laugh. I have never had someone truly make me feel wanted like you do. You have never been scared off by my demons or my fears. You protect me from myself without hesitation. You never made me feel bad about my fears and problems; you just held me and reassured me. You somehow manage to take my breath away but also make me able to actually breathe. You balance me out perfectly. You truly are my perfect match. I love you endlessly. <3

Dear dragon...

The first time I saw you, I knew that I was going to fall in love with you, and I was terrified. I was scarred and torn and bruised and still bleeding a bit even. I was so scared to fall in love with you, but I didn't run because I knew that even if it didn't last, loving you would be the greatest thing I had ever gotten to do. Now, here we are, planning our wedding in our home, and I am stunned that the most amazing, beautiful person I have ever known loves me back. Being loved by you is the most amazing feeling I have ever experienced. You have made me feel strong and beautiful and safe. Things that I have never felt. I cannot even put into words everything that you have done for me. I can't name all of the ways that you have helped mend me. You have been my strength when I couldn't find my own. You have been my rock when I can't manage to stand on my own. You have given me more than you will ever know, and I am beyond thankful to have you. The fact that I get to marry you, still blows me away. I feel like one day I will wake up, and someone will tell me this was all a dream. But if that's true, I would rather spend my whole life in this dream with you than wake up even for a moment. You are my reason for staying strong, my reason for continuing on. You make every single day full of moments, full of memories, just in the little things you do. You make every one of my days filled with color when I used to only see black and white. You make me look forward to the next moment because I can't wait to spend it with you. I can't wait to make you smile, to make you laugh. I love seeing you smile. It's my favourite sight in the galaxy. But more so, I love being the reason behind it. I see you smile, and I know that I want to make that happen for the rest of my life. I love you more than words can possibly explain. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes on, and yet you somehow still manage to be completely adorkable at the same time. I don't know how you do what you do, but I am so glad that I get to be by your side while you do it. You make me feel like I am good enough; you make me feel like I am enough. Everytime I see you, I can feel my heart swell with how completely in love with you I am. And my dragon, I am so incredibly in love with you... <3

When you have been in the dark for so long, the light seems even brighter...

There comes a time when it feels as if your whole life has collapsed from underneath you. You have several choices. People say that you only have two, but that's a lie. You can cope a number of ways, or you can just give up. If you're me, you fake like you are fine and have late nights with band-aids until you fall apart completely. Then, you slowly, oh so slowly, try to build back up. You struggle and crawl, falling back down often. You learn who really cares and who doesn't. You learn a lot about yourself. You learn to value yourself and the people that really care about you. It never goes away. You are stuck with the memories, and they will haunt you. However, that will make you truly appreciate when someone really loves you, when they really treat you right, when they really care and value you. You learn to appreciate yourself. You learn to stop putting up with getting treated wrong. You finally become happy, and you cherish every moment, every memory, and most of the time, you have really great moments. You are as happy as a person with severe depression can be. You even get a little better.

Breaking the glass and watching the sand pour out...

Looking back, I think of the moments where I just sat in agonizing pain; just waiting for it to pass. Praying for time to move faster and hoping that it would ease the pain. But truthfully, you don't even realize the time. It's just one day you realize that you are laughing until you can't breathe as you reign in another year with your best friend, her bf, and your amazing fiance. You're admiring the world's beauty on roadtrips with your fiance. You're having the weirdest conversations and laughing so hard you're crying with your family. And it hits you. It hasn't gone away and the scars still burn into your skin, but you're okay. You're happy. You built yourself back. You rose from the ashes, and, believe it or not, it was all beyond worth it.

To the girl that loves me back...

My heart has been bruised, scarred, and torn. My mind has been fucked up and fucked over. I was terrified and had a deep hatred for even the idea of falling in love again. Yet when I looked into your eyes for the first time, I knew I was going to fall in love with you. Still, I told you not to fall in love with me. I had too many broken pieces, and you getting too close would only get you cut up. I was cynical and jaded. I was more than well guarded. After my past, love was no longer associated with happiness for me. It was associated with pain, betrayal, fear, and lies. Yet still, you waited for me to make a hole in the wall that surrounded me, brick by brick. You patiently made me feel safe, waiting so you could get close. You bandaged me up and helped me scar over as lightly as possible considering. You held on tight even when I pushed you away. You weathered the storm that is me and just kept fighting to be closer to me. You have helped me and healed me in so many ways, but the greatest thing you have ever done is love me back. You are the first to ever truly love me back. Now, I am safely guarded by the most beautiful dragon, and I can finally rest. I love you more than you could possibly imagine babygirl. <3

Can't Break Me...

Next month will be one year since I finally found the strength to leave, and I noticed today that all the times I tried to write down our story here, I never published it. I wrote the story of the first person I was in love with, but I don't want to tell our story to everyone. I can't put all the details out there. I don't want to. I could blast you and tell the whole truth, but I have no interest in doing that. For a while, part of me wanted everyone to know, but I accepted that most would never know the true story. Most people will never know who you really are, and I have come to terms with that. I went through the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, but I came out the other side, still breathing. I fought with everything I had, and I made it through. I remembered who I was again. I got up off the ground. I picked up all the pieces of myself that I wanted back and put them into place. I found out what someone actually loving me back feels like and what how amazing being with the right person feels. I will never forget any of it. The past will still come up to haunt me sometimes, and I have an unfortunate partial love and a bleeding hatred that will never go away. However, I got up, I moved on, and that's enough for me.

Oh, August...

So tomorrow is August 5th... And I already know it is going to be a bad day for me, just like July 15th and 19th. In four months, it will be one year since I finally broke free from you. It certainly doesn't feel like it. Especially with the way all the damage you cause lingers around to fuck me over day in and day out. Nevertheless, I am still moving on and up. I am in a happy, healthy relationship now with an amazing, beautiful girl who has stolen my heart. I still can't believe how patient she is with me and my issues. All the damage that you caused, it completely destroyed me in every sense of the word, but she still stays right by my side, supporting me, loving me, being patient with me, holding me up. Loving her is the greatest thing I have ever had the pleasure of doing. It's weird to think that a year ago tomorrow, I was having my one year anniversary with the worst thing to ever happen to me. I can't be the same. I'm not the same. Because I gave you everything, and I lost myself, but now, I am free... And my heart is safely in the hands of a truly beautiful soul. <3